I'm sitting in my living room, minding my own business, trying to watch the news when they show up. Who are these fat, unattractive people? Why the fuck are they yelling at me? I don't need a mattress. I do not want to see their funny-looking kids. I do not want to sleep like a baby. Why is this irritating commercial on every 5.6 seconds? I swear they break into regular programming to show us these frenzied, obese and loud people. I'm thinking of buying a mattress that I don't need from anyone but them, just to be punitive. Obnoxious bastards.

Have you been watching the explosions over there in Iraq? Are you getting a warm sense of patriotism from watching arabs vaporize? How about our dead and wounded? You're thinking about them, no doubt. Oh, and that statue of Saddam, tumbling down... even though it took the media approximately five hours of uneventful coverage, they showed us the clip of it falling forward and then snapping off dramatically. It was like the dictator himself was dismembered and dragged through the street that day. You could vicariously taste the freedom we've given that horde of shoe-throwing arabs. Those, of course, must be the good ones, because we're busy vaporizing a whole batch of others daily.

What a perfect plan, because while you're all paying attention to that, things like this are happening right here in our country. Oh yes, there's a little bone to throw at those of you who buy a Prius, but absolutely nothing in there about the gas hogs my neighbors drive, and well, drilling in the arctic? Can't be all that bad, could it? I mean, we'll have to give those poor beset oil companies nearly $20 billion dollars to tempt them, but that's stimulating the economy, not that you were paying attention, anyway. Because of the war.

Closer to home, PGE has paid its taxes. Have you? Maybe I just made a whole lot more than PGE, because without a doubt, I will pay more than $10 dollars this year in taxes. Oh, and as you pay your PGE bill this month, remember that the income you use to pay them was taxed. Who needs to give money to the homeless? You're doling out chartiy left and right every month. Just assure the legless vietman vet there by the courthouse that you've already given, and that his rewards should be trickling down to him, just about any time now.

But I wouldn't want to take your attention off the war. Here. Scrutinize any neighbors you might have who wear turbans. That's what "they" wear, isn't it? War is hell, people. And man, do we love it.